A wealthy partner is a good site
Money in a relationship: two women about their love for rich men
The first time I pricked my ears when I saw Kelim's wallet. The finest leather, and then those treacherous initials ... It is true that even low earners sometimes spend a lot of money on status symbols. But I liked the idea that Kelim couldn't be a low-income earner much better.
I was frightened. Questioned my loot scheme. So, despite all my emancipation, was I the type of woman who wanted to be cared for? In my defense, I have to say that there were no suspicious leads while chatting with this man I was offered as a potential friend on Facebook.
I have no idea how we got from small talk about the weather in Cairo, where he lived, to global issues. Probably about his skin color, which he called "Latte Machiato".
Until I caught myself talking about generalities like "Political Correctness" while he, who seemed to have traveled almost every corner of the world, proved what cosmopolitan thinking really means. We switched on the camera and it crackled. So not only was he smart, he was handsome too. “What do you actually do for a living?” I asked, I was curious about people, their nature.
He wrote something about an internet company. In my imagination he was sitting in a four-square-meter ditch, programmed pages from camel breeders or was just arranging a mess of cables that filled the room. "I'm going to eat now," he said. Would that have been a clue? Does he often talk about going out to eat for money?
“Lamb and grilled eggplant” - I saw him crouching in a kebab shop. And me next to it when he finally asked if I would come and see him. Don't fuck, warned friends. But I had booked a hotel as a fall-back. The one he had thought I couldn't possibly go to, that was a dump.
I laughed when he repeated the word when I arrived at the airport, after all, the dump had four stars. Finally, in a café, he put the said wallet on the table. When we kissed, I found myself thinking how wonderfully uncomplicated such a life could be, I was right with my suspicions.
We're not going to this hotel. But to him on the 14th floor. We made love in the midst of a strange mix of shabby chic and expensive design, which meant that all considerations regarding his status remained unresolved. Until I was straight: "Why do you live like that?"
He would have rented furnished, he said. Have only been here a few months. Before that: one year Rome, two Paris, next it could be London.
A great future
His four-square-meter Internet dump turned out to be the management floor of an international banking and insurance group. I stayed a whole week. I have seldom loved so passionately - but at the same time I felt that Kelim was strangely keeping me at a distance.
Even after days, the trappings of his life, social contacts, key data from his everyday life did not become an issue once. "You have to pass an exam first to get an insight into it?" I asked with a wink, but basically I meant exactly that. I realized that it wasn't the demanding job that made us stay strangers somewhere.
At the breakfast table, which he usually left after a few hectic bites for the company. On the back seats of the luxury limousines that drove us to dinner in sinfully expensive restaurants. The open doors and the fact that he hung "souvenirs" around my neck and put them on my fingers - I would be lying, I would say I would not have enjoyed all of this.
And it was more than that, because pleasure springs from the moment. I, on the other hand, mentally zoomed in on a future with great trips, chic clothes and nannies who take care of my children.
Such men are used to being able to buy anything
Coming back to Germany, to the badly heated apartment in an old building, also: rushing through the supermarket after work or meeting friends who are torn between child and job, that was surreal. What did I let myself go out of there? Yes, you can see it that way.
But you can also see that something like that is overwhelming: when you are suddenly asked at a candlelight dinner whether you want to move to Cairo ... Other women do something like that, I know: form a solid bond with someone who bridles the horse from behind. Who first wants to make a fundamental decision before seeing how things go on in detail.
How this thing called everyday life can be lived by Mister Super important. In a world that is, to a large extent, clearly economically and therefore often very one-sided .. Let's not kid ourselves: men like Kelim are used to being able to buy anything. Acting according to the laws of the market, also in love: first you pay, then you put it into operation.
I don't want to attribute anything to Kelim and God knows he didn't just carry me materially ... Maybe he just wanted to protect himself from exploitation because he had bad experiences beforehand. I'm just trying to understand. Also: to understand the women who would have decided differently from me. The deal that lies behind it, if you look at the whole thing halfway soberly.
Occasionally there are doubts
A German average wage earner would have taken me to his buddies long ago, showed me photos of his family or at least his favorite pub - I still remember exactly how that went through my head when Kelim became so surprisingly concrete with the question in question. Am I a coward because I didn't go there, but only when I got back home and then I slipped away by email?
Or does it show more character: to decide against living in a hammock? And with that against the black box hanging on the hammock, to which one would have said yes more or less without comment?
You didn't want to prostitute yourself, said a good friend. I wouldn't put it that drastically. And to be honest: I sometimes have doubts. Our first chat was more than five and a half years ago. Fin, my son, will soon be four.
Sometimes, when I just make it to daycare at the end of the day or when my husband and I are talking about the everyday orga of the coming week, I dream of lying by the pool and getting my nails done while having a Nanny blows the rubber animals up for my son. And then I ask myself: was it really ripe, as friends say, or also: authentic - to turn my back on Kelim? Or was it just stupid?
“Falling in love never just happens,” she says, who married into a rich family
Heiko had talked about this house again. It feels like a mile-long driveway, gravel path into the garden, beds with rhododendrons. Class, who lives there? I quipped. He spoke of a family, the son, in his mid-thirties, would have the upper floor. Heiko is a landscape architect, he makes the garden for the house and also came into contact privately through this.
“We often meet in the pub on Tuesdays. Come with me. ”Immoral, I thought. And then somehow: attractive! Finally, Heiko introduced me to Jochen. My first thought: an anti-guy. Embroidered sweater, corduroy trousers - as if mum donned them. But sometimes things like that are irritating. Discover the good side of someone like that.
Maybe also: trim it differently. Was it his laugh, that relaxed laugh that only people who know no money have - that made it click? The fact is: when the bar closed, I was in love. In his status, others might say. I prefer to put it this way: at 19, romance rules, at the end of 20, life is also a reality.
The bankruptcy of the parents' company, the sale of the house, you never forget that. Bread from the discounter for breakfast, mashed potatoes instead of crab salad ... years that have shaped me, certainly, and by no means only negatively. But for the future I would be able to do without something like that, I had sworn to myself.
Because even if positive thinking brings bankrupt SMEs back on their feet: an inheritance gives significantly more security. This is one of the reasons why my 'yes' when Jochen called the next day and asked if we wanted to see each other was so clear.
The villa, the driveway - it really was all like that. And yet I suddenly had reservations. I couldn't just take it all that way. The bed that was left unmade in the morning, the housekeeper would come later. The coffee from silver jugs. "It's good for me when you're fine," said Jochen. And yet it was important to me to examine him.
To see how he moved in my world. So I insisted on having breakfast with him at my kitchen folding table. Driving into the weekend with him in my rusty convertible. I think I kept doing this for a while. As if something like this could last: a partnership with different starting conditions, equally managed.
Fortunately, I had already properly reflected on our being together when he asked me if I would marry him and move into my own house with him. Gone are the days when I pretended to be happy with an unemployed Algerian or an art historian driving a taxi.
Today I have no problem with Jochen going into the office in the morning to continue the family business. As I fill our home and our lives with art and music and socializing and good ideas. Of course there are reactions from the outside.
There are friends who ask: “What are you doing during the day?” Sometimes it is better to keep your distance than to talk yourself out of it. With the dissertation, for example, which you are currently working on because it is obviously not good to give up your own completely. But should I also say that contact with the doctoral supervisor came about through Jochen's father? Just.
A face-up game
Jochen and I play with open cards, that's crucial. He knows about my childhood trauma. I know that he wanted me because I am not as colorless as many who otherwise hang out in such societies.
My wit for its possibilities? Love is always a business too. In fact, Jochen became someone else through me. Braver. More attractive. Hand-sewn shoes and chic shirts turn mummy sons into men.
Accompanying men is fun. For polo, golf, hunting. Still, I would do the devil to control my children's friendships, which rich people love to do. As if there was a claim to luck. Money can do a lot, but it can't do one thing: decrease experience. They want and have to be made by yourself. Either way.
“Driven by unconscious patterns”: Interview with money coach Peter König
Women who choose men with a lot of money - is that often the case?
Much more often than most of us want to admit! Of course it's a taboo. But when I address it in my seminars, the women respond with laughter, indicating that they feel addressed.
That is not surprising. Two or three generations ago it was perfectly normal for parents to want to marry their children “well”. These are patterns that cannot take away even a hundred years of emancipation. They are in us.
Is it bad when women also pay attention to finances when choosing a partner?
For me there is nothing wrong with that at all. And it is not problematic as long as it is done reasonably consciously. Unconscious money patterns represent hidden parts of the personality. Money is an ideal medium of projection: we attribute things to it that we miss in ourselves.
But if money is supposed to take over shares on behalf of us, there is a risk that contact with precisely these shares inside us will be severed. Specifically: Anyone who hopes for security from money becomes insecure. Anyone who believes that a man's flaunted possessions promise potency will sooner or later look in vain for precisely this potency.
The man will then perhaps amass even more wealth, work more, do more for the family, but the woman's accusations remain: I don't feel you. You are so far from me The man won't understand. He'll struggle harder to get more accusations. A vicious circle.
How can something like that be broken?
By making money patterns aware. In my seminars I work with the withdrawal exercise: We take back everything that we ascribe to money. So we don't say: money is security. Rather: I am safe, with and without money.
Not: money opens up opportunities. But: I have options. Reclaiming a part of one's own identity that has been outsourced works like an extension of one's personality. One comes into strength. Prevents secret dependencies, as they often exist with partners with financially unequal starting positions.
It is possible that relationships will then be fundamentally questioned because you can see that you weren't really in love at the time. The rule, however, is rather that the noble financial situation can be enjoyed much more.
Because you feel: I don't need the money for happiness. Nevertheless - or because of it! - I like the life that I can afford with it.
In the video: Relationship killer Avarice - How stingy save their relationship
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