Why are 12 year olds so hated?
"You are the dearest mom in the world": Most mothers can enjoy such expressions of love for many years - then they are suddenly knocked off the pedestal. Puberty means replacement, and it can be quite painful for mothers, especially if they have previously felt close to their child. But the painful process is inevitable.
Mother 1: "I don't understand. 'I hate you', my daughter yelled in my face the other day. Where does this anger suddenly come from? We could always talk so well with each other."
Mother 2: "You should see my son sometime. He used to tell so much that his mouth didn't stand still at lunch. And now? Grumbles to himself and disappears into his room as quickly as possible. I never come back at all approach him. "
Mothers in particular feel dethroned when their children reach puberty. "In the first years of life, the mother is the whole universe for the child," says the psychotherapist and author Claudia Haarmann. The closeness that the togetherness with a baby or toddler inevitably brings with it, the unconditional love that parents feel for their children - and vice versa - ensure a close bond. "But in puberty, children ask the question: Who am I, what defines me as an individual?" Explains Haarmann. The nut becomes the counterpart from the fixed point. In place of closeness, demarcation takes place.
The fact that adolescents' lust for conflict often hits mothers particularly hard is simply due to the fact that they often spend most of their time with the children. "Most children have more to do with their mothers than with their fathers. That is one reason why the separation from them takes place differently, often more violently," says graduate psychologist and educational advisor Elisabeth Raffauf.
That is why mothers feel particularly intensely that their children of the same age are becoming more and more important. When problems arise, it is not the mother who is asked for advice, but the best friend. In the latest Shell youth study, 89 percent of respondents said it was extremely important to have good friends. For the young people, however, this does not mean that their families are devalued: According to the study, more than 90 percent feel that their relationship with their parents is good. Only the bond is no longer as exclusive as it was in childhood. As a rule, this does not mean a loss for the young people, after all, instead, they establish new, close bonds with their peers. It is the parents who often feel that they are losing something.
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