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In love with others: These tips will help you through the emotional chaos

Video by Alina Bertacca

Everyone knows being in love. To be in love with strangers has the small blemish that you are freshly in love, but in a committed relationship or married. And the person who called the butterflies onto the scene is not your own partner, but someone else.

A rather unfavorable constellation for three, for which you should find a solution - no matter which option you choose, i.e. to stay with your ancestral partner or to separate from your partner due to the new feelings.

In love with others: what should I do now?

Those who fall in love with strangers are not to be envied. Because, of course, you are confused by your feelings for the other person. Therefore Here are a few tips that you should take to heart so that you can get out of the complicated emotional situation and the strange threesome constellation. And unfortunately you have the role of the decision maker, you have to manage that, because you are the link between all those involved.

In love with strangers Tip 1: Don't hate yourself for it

If you don't strive for an open or a polyamorous relationship, then the problem is quite obvious. Three is one too many.

But what do you do when you are in love with others and you know at the same time that you are cheating on your partner in your thoughts and lying to him? After all, in a good relationship or marriage you always tell yourself how you are, what you are feeling, what problems you are going through. And suddenly you can't do that anymore. Or should one reveal oneself directly to the partner?

First of all: As honorable as these thoughts are that you don't want to lie to your partner, you should hold back for the time being. There's no point in rushing to explain everything just because you feel so bad. Because: It can happen to anyone that you fall in love with someone else and you shouldn't judge anyone for this - not even yourself. Being able to get excited about someone, to fall in love with them, is absolutely normal.

The only important thing is how you behave now. So whether you want to end your relationship or marriage and start one with the new one or not. It all depends on your feelings. Sometimes we experience a romantic mental cinema for a while, but it should stay just that: only in our head or as a short flirtation.

Being in love does not automatically mean love and sometimes it is just a brief crush. So again: falling in love with someone is not a crime. Only when there is an affair with sex and all the trimmings behind the partner's back does it get difficult or even unfair.

Of course, there are just as often cases where you realize quickly that you want to part for your new love. Because it's more than just a little infatuation. But even then, just because you fell in love again, you're not a bad person. Make this clear to yourself, even if it is difficult.

The question of how serious your feelings are, whether your old love, your old life with your partner as a well-rehearsed team is more important to you, or the feelings for the new acquaintance, can only be known by you. Hopefully you'll soon find out for yourself whether it's just a quick breakout or something serious.

In love with others Tip 2: Find the reasons

There may be people who say that falling in love with others doesn't happen in a happy relationship or marriage, that then you have no eyes for someone else at all. That may or may not be true. At the beginning of a relationship, you may not fall in love with strangers.

But if you've been together for a long time and the wild feelings of the early days have turned into a calmer, deeper love, then it can just happen that you fall in love with someone else - without the old love directly revealing the old love as bad and broken. If only because being freshly in love is so completely different from the familiar, calm love for a long-term partner.

Still, it's important to be clear about possible reasons:

  • Find answers to the questions: Why did I fall in love with someone else at this point in time? Was there an unfulfilled common wish in the room, be it a desire to have children, a marriage or a common home? Are there things that weren't going well for you as a couple?
  • Why did I fall in love with this person exactly? What does he have that appeals to me, what I might miss in my partner? Maybe you just fell in love with someone because he is the exact opposite of your partner, who excites you, but does not ultimately make you happy or does not really suit you.
  • Did I simply miss the undivided attention in my relationship or marriage, or did I feel wanted and noticed?
  • Was there something missing in the current relationship that I might not even be aware of?
  • But: There doesn't always have to be a specific reason to fall in love with someone. Sometimes you just meet a wonderful person without anything having been wrong beforehand or with no concrete reason. That is also quite possible.

Also read: In love with two people: what should I do?

In love with strangers Tip 3: Go to confession or not?

The big question, of course, is: Confess everything directly to your partner or not? Of course, the important thing here is how far you have gone with the other person. Was it just meetings and flirting? Just emails and phone calls? Was it a kiss or sex? Do you have something like an affair or is it all just first quiet love and crush?

Tell it or not: there will certainly be people who clearly know what to do here. But for all those who doubt and who are unclear: you should consider that it will be very painful for your partner when he hears about your feelings for someone else. Therefore, do not give him this stab too quickly. Maybe you can get the other out of your head quickly?

There are certainly relationships that are only possible with openness if one of the two is in love with others. But there are certainly people who say: "Don't hurt me unnecessarily. Only tell me if it's serious. Otherwise I don't want to know." Because not everyone can cope with such an injury equally.

Therefore, assess for yourself whether you are in a "let's talk-about-everything" relationship or whether you have a more vulnerable person by your side who would overwhelm your openness and make you permanently insecure. Even something like that, followed by suspicion and jealousy, can ruin a partnership - even though you have been honest and open.

Sometimes it is more important for us to ease our conscience so that we don't even notice that the other person might not want to know.

Also read: Relationship break: when does a temporary separation make sense?

In love with strangers Tip 4: Give yourself some time (first of all)

Of course you have to think about how you intend to proceed. Because as beautiful and perhaps understandable as being in love may be, you also have a responsibility. It takes clarity and willpower to be careful and respectful of your current partner. Even if your head is very stupid from being in love with strangers, try to stay calm. And by the way: That is only fair to the third party in the league.

And there is another reason why you shouldn't rush anything: being in love is an absolute exception, it's like being on drugs. And not everyone can make long-term decisions from this state of affairs. Therefore: First try to get down and calm down briefly in order to come to a clear thought. And an old relationship should be worth it that you don't give it up in an affect. Especially not when there are children together.

Also read: Go or Stay: Doubts About Your New Relationship? THAT is behind it!

In love with strangers Tip 5: Question your feelings and the consequences

As mentioned earlier, you should first be clear about your feelings. Is the new person in your life so important to you that you break up your old relationship for their sake, or is they not for whatever reasons? This all-important question may be difficult to answer at first because of the wild, confusing new feelings you have about your boyfriend or husband. It is not always easy to compare and weigh up.

Here are some helpful questions:

  • Would I part with my old partner or spouse for the new person? How big are the feelings for him?
  • Will the new love survive everyday life? Do we still love each other when we have to go through difficult times?
  • Would I be able to imagine life without the relationship or marriage to my old partner or will I miss him too much in my life?
  • Are there reasons in my relationship or marriage why I fell in love with this person? Was there something missing in the partnership? Were there any conflicts in everyday life? (if so, a conversation is definitely on the way)
  • What about the new person in my life: is he ready for more than one affair? Or was the mutual attraction more due to the fact that everything was secret?
  • Will the other person be able to deal with everything that a separation brings with it, even if I cry and rage and have heartache?
  • Very important if there are children: How will they fare if I split up?

In the video: Mingle relationship status - the best of two worlds?

Video by Aischa Butt

Also read: Love in 5 stages: These are the typical phases of a relationship

In love with others Tip 6: Distance ensures clarity

Of course, there is little point in getting fully involved. So when you meet your new heart person and at the same time maintain contact with your partner or the relationship. So you hardly get any clarity. Therefore: keep your distance. In most cases it helps to pull yourself out in such a difficult situation first to get clear.

Conversations with outside people can also help. Most friends find it difficult to deal with it when they find out that you have fallen in love with someone. And often the only piece of advice that comes out is "listen to your heart". And it works rather badly than right.

Many a friend or boyfriend may take your confession of being in love with a stranger as an occasion to finally come out with their views on your partner. "I always thought it was weird ..." Not very helpful answers either.

Therefore, it is best to seek advice from someone who is not too close to you and who has the necessary distance and objectivity to give you advice. You don't have to go into detail, just ask: "Imagine you fell in love with someone in a relationship: how would you act?" Someone who has already been in a similar situation will surely give you good tips and helpful answers.

Also read: Danger! 6 Warning Signs Not To Ignore At The Beginning Of A Relationship

In love with strangers Tip 7: Be fair and don't wait forever

Even if you shouldn't rush anything at first, the advice is clear: Don't wait forever for fear of making a wrong decision. That just wears down everyone involved and is not fair either. Therefore, at some point you will decide for or against one of your loved ones. As much as it hurts. No matter how you act, you can make mistakes, but if you don't do anything, it's almost worse.

Particularly difficult: in love with others and having children together

The situation is of course particularly difficult when you have built a life together. So not only live together, maybe bought a house or apartment together or are married, but when you have children together. Children in particular are often the ones to suffer when a separation occurs.

Even if you stay in the relationship and there are "only" arguments and scenes of jealousy, you should try to keep the children out or explain things to them that scare them. Children feel more than we think. Even if we are sure that they have not noticed anything, they have long since noticed that something is wrong.

That is why you should always think carefully for your children whether it is worth separating or whether you might not want to save your family after all. Nobody has to sacrifice themselves for their children and hold on to a broken relationship, but the best interests of the children should be considered in your considerations. And very far ahead.

Also read: Can you love two people at the same time?

When the decision has been made:

Rose-colored glasses or a well-rehearsed team, excitement or familiarity, quit or stay: No matter what your decision: There are a few simple rules that you should follow once you have decided who you want to partner with.

If you have decided to break up:

  • A clarifying conversation is the least you owe your partner after a breakup.
  • After that, however, you should try to avoid him first. Every time he sees you or hears from you, you're just tearing old wounds. Take this to heart.
  • If there are children together, then a solution can be found together for the benefit of the children. Fixed rules for handling are inevitable here.
  • Take it slow. It may work to move straight out of your own apartment to meet a new partner after a breakup. But also not.
  • Better to think about the situation calmly and only then rush into a new relationship.
  • Think in peace: what will your future look like? Are there any things you worry about? Then look for a conversation partner and help in this situation of upheaval and uncertainty.
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If you have decided against a breakup - for your partner

  • The question of whether or not to confess everything is now even more vacant. Think about what will ultimately help you more: Talk about everything in detail, tell the bare essentials or, better still, be silent.
  • Regardless of whether you tell him everything or not: You still have a need for discussion in your relationship. Because of the complicated situation, there will be a lot of problems. Clarifies points of conflict, talks about things that have not been clarified for a long time.
  • Does relationship work, as stupid as that may sound. If you want to save a relationship or marriage, you have to work on it. Both of them. If only the "guilty party" is willing to do something for the relationship, that is not enough.
  • And one more important point: stay away from the other person you fell in love with, even if it is difficult. You not only owe this to your relationship or marriage, but also to the person you decided against. He too has a right to be happy again.