How bad was your monday

Cologne -

At the end of a busy day, sometimes you're just empty. You had to talk all day long: with colleagues or customers or anyone else. You rushed home during rush hour, you may have picked up the children from the care center and in between you quickly jumped to the supermarket. When they arrive at home, many simply long for peace and quiet. Get on the sofa, watch Netflix, stare and be silent. However, if this becomes permanent, sooner or later the relationship will suffer. Because an important ingredient is missing: mutual exchange.

This is what the American couples therapist Tara Fields says. She has been running a couple and family therapy practice near San Francisco for over 30 years - and knows what is often the problem with long-term couples: They have forgotten how to talk to each other.

With small questions for a big conversation

It sounds so banal, but it's fundamentally important: Conversing with your partner, especially if you've been together for a long time. If it no longer takes place, the relationship suffers. One of the most important tips in your guide "Love Repair - How to save your relationship and lose yourself again": Couples should talk more often in everyday life and take the time to get to know their partner properly.

To make it easier for couples to get back into this communication, she gives them sample questions that they can ask the partner. In the best case, this results in an honest and emotional conversation that goes beyond the question “How was your day?”. Many questions show: Even apparently small, unimportant details make up the person we love and talking about them together will perhaps bring a couple closer together again.

We present 14 questions from the book - maybe you can try a few of them:

Something easy to get started with

  • In which clothes do you feel most comfortable? What don't you like to wear at all?
  • Did you have a nickname as a kid? Can I use it?
  • Which fragrances do you like? Which not at all? What memory do you associate with it?

Understand where you're from

  • What was your role in your family? Were you the favorite child Have you been a lively child? Were you rather good or the black sheep?
  • How was anger expressed in your parents' home? Was there a lot of screaming or was there a little tension?

Show love and tenderness

  • What can I do to make you feel loved by me?
  • What prompts you to close the bulkheads, to withdraw completely? When do you feel rejected by me? How can I change that in the future?
  • What makes you happy? Name three things, not people

Dealing with painful memories

  • Before we met, what was your worst date?
  • Are there things you did at a young age that, in retrospect, you would rather not have done?
You might also be interested in

Dos and Don'ts: 5 things that keep couples together - and 5 that keep them apart

Learning from the satisfied: Six things that happy couples would never do

YouGov poll: Love, lust and passion - that's how Germans tick in bed

The common future

  • Where in the world and how would you like to live? What would your house look like? A log cabin deep in the forest or a villa in Italy?
  • If money, time, and circumstances weren't an obstacle, how would you spend the next six months?

Sex and lust

  • What turns you off? (These can be little things such as having bad breath in the morning or brushing your teeth in front of your partner, or real lust killers such as too short or no foreplay at all)
  • Do you have sexual fantasies? Which? Is there anything you'd like to try? Right now? Tonight? On the weekend?

Dr. Tara Fields: "Love Repair - How to save your relationship and fall in love again", Wilhelm Goldmann Verlag.