Are men emotionally shortened in relationships

Heartless beings? When men have a new one (too) quickly

After a breakup, men often react incomprehensibly to us women. Apparently, they don't mourn the failed relationship long afterwards, but instead look for the next woman. The man: The heartless creature, millions of women will have surely already thought furiously. But, is this really the truth? Are men heartless when they rush into the next relationship? May we women accuse them of having loved less and therefore suffering less?

No, says Dr. Frauke Höllering, general practitioner specializing in sexual medicine: "One should not generalize the separation behavior of men and women. There are enough men who need months and years to recover from being abandoned. Just like there are women who 'shoot down' their husbands as soon as they are not as princes of a dream as hoped. This has nothing to do with the general capacity for love and suffering."

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Men and a separation: the comfort woman

According to the expert, there is less heartlessness than logic and pragmatism behind the male tendency to get involved in a new relationship more quickly: "Many men are simply comfortable and like to be looked after at home. The new one doesn't have to be the dream woman. For many men, she is initially a 'comfort woman', with whom they overlook small quirks. You stay with her as long as it lasts."

Also read: 7 comforting thoughts to help you out after a breakup

Men and a separation: pragmatism and instinct for self-preservation

A study by the online dating agency ElitePartner.de confirms that many men are ready very quickly to seek their luck in a new partnership. Accordingly, every fourth newly separated man falls in love with a new partner very quickly. And that means in concrete terms: Just four weeks after the separation, he is open to a new relationship. The two phases can also overlap.

In other words: The man is already actively looking for a new love, but still mourns the old one afterwards. This is where a kind of instinct for self-preservation sets in. A protective mechanism for the injured ego. Because, of course, men are also close to a separation and shatter their self-confidence. But their reaction to it is often different than that of women.

Instead of licking their wounds forever and grumbling about what went wrong, many men seem to be starting some sort of rescue program. A measure that shortens the suffering and allows you to conclude the painful separation more quickly. "Women tend to indulge in misery and self-pity. Men usually do not allow themselves this weakness. For that reason alone, they look ahead more quickly", knows Dr. Frauke Höllering.

Men and a separation: off to new shores

One might rashly assume that men are only numbing the pain of separation instead of processing it. The expert disagrees: "It has little to do with anesthesia. Men are just more active in trying to come to terms with the past.“Part of the processing is the realization: The separation can no longer be changed, so I accept it and continue. And that's not stupid at all, it helps men out of the valley of grief faster.

Relationship expert and author Siranus Sven von Staden explained in an interview: "The fresh love hides the pain of separation. Men often prefer to reorient themselves instead of thinking about what they did wrong in the failed relationship."

The small difference: women suffer for a long time

The male tactic of looking ahead is different from the strategy women use after a breakup. Here, too, the study by ElitePartner.de found: Almost 40 percent of women need more than a year to come to terms with the separation. Helping themselves over it through a new relationship is out of the question for the majority.

The reason: Many women see the separation as an opportunity to change and improve things. Psychologist Nathalie Krahé on this in BILD der FRAU: "Many women process an end of love on a deeper level and do not want to go straight to the next partner."Instead of looking ahead, they first look back and analyze what happened.

Another reason for the different ways of dealing with the tragedy of separation: women often look for the reason for the failure of the partnership in themselves. The separation is perceived as a personal defeat that needs to be analyzed.

All phases of the relationship are examined: What did I do wrong? When could I have changed something? A grueling mental work through which women get to the point much later than men where they have broken away emotionally from their ex and are open to a new relationship.

Reading material: When couples split up: what happens to the mutual group of friends?

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However, the female tactic is not always the worse one. Siranus Sven von Staden says: "I recommend everyone to take a break and ask themselves what led to the breakup. That only works if you can endure being alone. Otherwise the same problems will arise with the next partner."

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