THEME:Rate my poem
SofiaBella the discussion started on 06/11/07 (3:07 p.m.) with the following post:
Hello everyone, I would be happy to receive a little criticism of my latest poem from you. THANKS!!! in advance ... hope you like it:
A world is at home.
All floors occupied,
do not come so easily
back out. Above
is the air the purest
at the top the view is farthest,
on all other floors
something of everything,
hear it sigh below,
up, down below
too much, go upstairs
Below, the burden of
Floors heavy, downstairs
you are the fastest
there and empty. Though everything
fully inhabited, over
one the "protective roof"
thrones, oh how far
one would have to go
to achieve this.
One step up and
two down. May then
not every direction sky
pull, because the one below
waiting for an upswing, has
but much has long since forgiven.
teddy19 answered on 06/12/07 (13:53):
the poem is really great.
unfortunately it is not from you:
bmwjunkie came to you 5 days before and is a 47 year old man. so i doubt you wrote the poem. something is called: plagiarism.
crash teen answered on 06/12/07 (16:57):
SofiaBella answered on 06/12/07 (8:55 pm):
I published the poem on Gedichte.com (also under SofiaBella). Maybe he saw it and issued it under his name - only in this way and no other way can I explain to myself what I think really sucks about the gentleman - honestly.
Well go straight to the link ..
and thank you anyway ... because it is MY poem
SofiaBella answered on 06/12/07 (21:18):
... oh dear ... he issued it under his name ... there is no such thing ... you are right ...
It's a shame and stupid, because the subject of my poem society, inequalities, etc. and that he "steals" it from me to get recognition and therefore gives it out under his name, shows only too well how much lies and deceit society always has continue to destroy and endanger a positive relationship !!!
Oh well, I didn't get any reviews on gedichte.com and so I put it here because I wanted to hear your opinion ... and it was a pity that no one answered
+ also got the scrap and shortened the last part
So don't be too hasty with convictions ^^
teddy19 replied on 06/15/07 (18:42):
link to the poem
SofiaBella replied on 06/16/07 (3:29 pm):
Dani1988 answered on 09.09.07 (14:17):
hey ... where can I enter my poem here ?????
minthoa answered on 09/11/07 (10:59 p.m.):
Just write it in ^^
Dani1988 answered on 09/15/07 (11:01 am):
Hey, what do you think of my poem ...
Only for you...
I miss you very much,
Not by chance
You are my little angel child
My brightest glow, my heavenly wink
Are you my sweet cuddle dream
My sparkling star above our tree
Your bright green eyes captivate me,
Can't flee and don't want to
Just wanna be very close to you
Feel your warmth, don't be lonely
Running on the beach, enjoying the sound of the waves singing,
And let us be enchanted by the shining sunshine,
Hand in hand, by the blue sea,
How nice that would be
You are my soft cuddly animal
Wish you were with me
Would sit here together
Our hearts would dart furiously
Wanna go every way together
Never want to see you miss
My longing pulls me tight to you
Can't believe you're not here
The poem is just for you
Just for you, that's me too
I love you very much, my sweet darling,
Love you forever, my little darling
For JULE 06/30/2007
Thank you for rating !!!! :)
minthoa replied on 09/15/07 (21:32):
at the end I might not write "sweetheart" twice, that takes the emphasis off.
Dani1988 replied on 09/16/07 (1:48 p.m.):
SRY: D: D is a typographical error should be called like this:
I love you very much, my sweet sparrow,
Love you forever, my little darling
..... Hope you like it better ^^
minthoa replied on 09/16/07 (10:35 p.m.):
even thought of "sparrow" =)
Dani1988 answered on 09/17/07 (23:43):
Cool ... how do you like the poem if you would rate it completely ???? ... do you also write which ???
minthoa answered on 09/20/07 (14:03):
I'm not so into poetry, which is why I always find it a bit difficult when evaluating and interpreting poems.
But otherwise I like both poems. You have to think more about Sofia's poem ^^
Dani1988 replied on 09/24/07 (16:23):
have one more thing what do you think of it ... I wrote that to her before we got together ...
What you mean to me,
Dear darling, I love you very much
With every second I feel it more
The feeling grabs me all over my body
It tingles and weighs me all the time
My heart is racing up and down with joy
It only thinks of you and not too briefly
The angel who guides my dreams at night
He leads me to you, what a gift
Your shining eyes captivate me,
Can't flee either,
Just wanna be very close to you
Don't feel your warmth be lonely
Your sweet smile, it enchants me
I feel like in a fairy tale, but it's not
Are you my little sunshine
Shine in my little window
Light the plants and me
Fill us with life, I LOVE you,
It would like to be a question
You want to be with me?
minthoa answered on 09/24/07 (7:56 pm):
It is very similar to the later poem. Did you come up with it all by yourself? They remind me of other poems, but I can't remember any of them.
Only the verse "it would like to be a question" sounds a bit strange to me.
The poem was certainly decisive, that you conquered it right? ^^ From whom do you get a self-made poem? ... = D
Dani1988 answered on 09/27/07 (15:41):
JOP :) are both mine ... it can be very well that they resemble each other .... have only recently been writing poetry ... it was the second and third of mine ... still have to find my own style .. .. that will definitely take a while ...
I've also started to write a third poem for you ... but hope I don't have to finish it ...
cat answered on October 1st, 2007 (14:53):
I think your poems are really good, hope you guys rate mine too:
I'm standing here now, you can't change
hold on tight to the cold railing
the only one that still holds me up here
and prevents you from falling down
but I let go, even he can't prevent
he can't relieve my pain either,
dead, sadness and pain were my plagues,
you felt it and still didn't want to say anything,
you always thought I was strong enough to make it
and I could always pull myself up
but I can't do that, I'm too weak
hopefully my jump will wake you up.
yes what are you doing now, are you stopping me?
are you coming up the bridge for me?
or are you leaving me in the lurch as always?
you have to know I'm not afraid
I passed my life with pain
and these came from my heart,
you didn't care how I feel
do you only strap it when you're down there?
just one step that keeps me away
you have to know I liked you all
just one step, then I'll be down
with you I would not have fallen so
just one step, then I'm free
and you were all there
then you know what it is like to suffer
and you can no longer avoid it.
I jump now, feel my soul cry out for freedom
and finally, just a few more seconds, then I'll be freed from hell
Copyright by Blood Redshot (BRUL)
(I wasn't case sensitive, poem happened a few weeks after the accident, and the following only a few days later:)
Tears run down my face
once again I don't understand
why did all this have to happen?
why so quickly and without seeing you again soon?
I want to run out and just scream
run out and just cry
Separate the sadness from my heart
just to run away from the grief
but with the grief there is loss,
because something has disappeared from my life
a large part of my heart
will now hurt forever ...
Blood Redshot (BRUL)
And these poems are 100% written by me !!!!!
Dani1988 replied on October 4th, 2007 (6:28 pm):
do you have a bad conscience or why did you write underneath ...
"and these poems are 100% written by me" ...
don't be angry with me when I say that ... what I lack in your poems is the "heart" that is in every good poem ... and the harmonious transitions from one rhyme to the next are missing ... they are great in themselves just laid next to each other they lack soul in them ... sry :)
Dani1988 replied on October 4th, 2007 (9:34 pm):
minthoa answered on October 5th, 2007 (7:41 pm):
because above it was doubted whether she really wrote that ...
Poems don't always have to be harmonious and rhyme ...
cat, are you serious or did the (first) poem just come out of a whim? If you meant it seriously: Cheer up, over time the pain will become easier, even if you can mourn for a long time ...
cat answered on October 5th, 2007 (9:45 pm):
No, I don't need to have a guilty conscience, but as minthoa has already gated, a poem has been questioned and I just wanted to point it out to you;)
In this poem there should be no heart or something like that, because it is a poem that was written out of grief and what it should also represent. It is also not a "good" poem, which complements my previous sentence.
@Minthoa: Sometimes I'm serious. I don't want to commit suicide, but it should be part of my despair. Sometimes I write poems in which I write about SVV, suicide or other things and refer to me. It is like a release, the inner pressure is released.
"Cheer up, with time the pain gets easier even if you can mourn for a long time" With time, yes, but after 2 years the pressure becomes too high. And the 2nd poem corresponds to what happened. I'm not talking about the loss of a breakup with one partner (as some might think) but of a completely different, more painful one.
Thank you for your answers.
minthoa replied on 10/6/07 (8:02 p.m.):
I wavered between separation and separation due to death. does the latter apply? if so, have you ever been in a grief group? this is not a self-help group but it should also help you to grieve and to process the grief. with us, the church does it. my mother was there and after almost 20 years she came to terms with her grief ("again"), which helped her a lot ...
cat answered on 07.10.07 (00:18):
I went to a pastoral care provider, but it didn't help me, or better said: I always didn't feel like it and always felt annoyed before, during and afterwards and was in an even worse mood.
minthoa answered on 07.10.07 (14:36):
were you always alone with him? here is a whole group that meets once a month. if you want, you can just listen to hear how others tell of their grief. Nobody has to have a say on their own initiative. But just when you notice that others feel the same, you feel strangely comforted, right ?! I'm trying to get my grandma to stop by. otherwise I always listen to her. For my part, I believe that even if everyone mourns alone in their own way, especially in these times we have to help each other and be there for each other.
On TV I recently heard the commentary about the grief and loss of a loved one, "The pain will always remain, you only learn to live with it." I hope that's not the case, it just hurts too much. Both physically and mentally.
cat replied on October 7th, 2007 (9:43 pm):
We were a group and once I met him alone. Still, I never felt like it or felt that it helped me.
I have to disappoint you: it is like that. The pain is always there, you just learn not to feel it anymore or to deal with it. sometimes you have days when it works. But if it were the only thing that bothered me, I would be relatively "satisfied". Whichever way you take it.
The accident happened at the beginning of February and today I heard from her family that I should let go. But it doesn't work, my head is too full, I can't just concentrate on it, so I suppress it and it just keeps coming up.
I also notice it physically: I haven't slept for 4 days, I eat far too little and irregularly and that takes another 2 weeks. I either only sleep or not at all.
But this is not a forum for problem-speaking, but for poetry.
Here I still have some that I wrote:
I look at the window
a crow flies by
the sky full of clouds,
everything seems normal
but my world is different
darker, without life,
without a familiar laugh,
without warmth and love,
only sadness and loneliness,
just a shadow of myself
Nothing is as it used to be
Everything is different,
darker, sadder, lonelier.
Because the sun, happiness,
The togetherness, the affection,
everything went with you
Will it come again
even without you!?!?!?!?!
There aren't any rhymes there, but they don't have to have poems.
my doing, my acting, my thinking,
I wanted to sink everything into the sea
just leave it and just be
because without you i'm just alone
but I know that you still live with me
you strive for my doing, acting and thinking,
you give me strength to live
and let me know we are united
and forever until the dead reunite us
I also wrote the two.
minthoa replied on October 9th, 2007 (7:35 pm):
From a purely stylistic point of view, I would try to change the last 2 mailings of the second poem and look for another term for unite. otherwise. show them how you feel which gives them more expression than just writing something down!
repressing is wrong, but at least you try to process it by writing these poems. mourning means working on yourself, do not stop doing it otherwise you will not be able to cope with it all your life!
cat replied on 10/10/07 (23:41):
I've thought about it for a long time, but I can't find any other words. When I wrote it, I also thought: that doesn't sound like it. But then I wrote it down so that I might find a word for it later.
well, I think too much. i don't have a day of rest. that's the bad thing about it. my head has been full for 2 years. way too full .......
cat replied on 10/11/07 (21:23):
An empty room, a head full of thoughts ...
an arm with wounds, blood is running over him ...
fingers that tap, legs that sway .....
pain that pulls me down ...
look into the void,
the few feelings are longing,
those who used to be
one is always on the run,
and in search of peace
but the more time goes by
does the pain begin to conquer
and nobody who understands you
longing for someone
who gives you friendship and love,
that's the only request
that strives in me
and the blood keeps running
the wounds are getting deeper and deeper
because nothing makes you happy
and everything is getting worse
you don't want to feel anymore
finally have his peace,
but the cuts let you feel
the pain is not over yet ...
copyright by blood redshot
I just wrote 3 minutes ago I would be happy about your opinion
tony replied on 10/15/07 (18:21):
I found that but it's very interesting so but I have a few of my own (unpublished)
A poet ain't no judge
but a thinker and also a leader!
Not a quieter, probably a wise one!
Poet who strives for the better.
He is sitting alone, in the candlelight!
In a room, wherever!
And rhymes the lines, can linger a long time.
Has thought until late at night!
He brings light into darkness
the truthfulness, in falsehood.
Loneliness becomes togetherness
and sensuality, in reality.
He knows with sense to point out.
In the direction of a clearing.
And with poetry and imagination
he gives you strength with his work.
He is a critic, not a politician.
An admirer and also a teacher,
his art, brings him favor;
of the people of tomorrow and today.
Teaches giving to you in life.
Not only taking is behavior.
Don't beat, take it,
he wants to tell you every day.
If he writes well, it gives you courage!
To get better here on earth.
One will see and walk together
and be guided by his poems!
Shameful replied on 11/16/07 (3:13 pm):
so I've read through yours and would like to write spontaneously now;) sorry if iwo sounds the same;)
is spontaneous action
from below up
I think I'm only going uphill
want to go in a straight direction
I just go all over the place
to find myself
uphill is wrong
I would have to go downhill
but I think in the same direction again
I just go all over the place
and walls everywhere
and everywhere just the thought
I just go all over the place
how do i get down
my way leads up
i want to go downhill!
and not uphill!
and walls everywhere
that I bang at
if i am not getting the direction
and again and again
my despair is getting bigger
do I ever get down
Do I ever get down below without pain?
Do I ever get down below without the thought of having gone wrong?
Do I ever get down without this desperation?
i will never know
I still think so
I go all over the place
17 and 4 answered on 05/25/08 (1:18 pm):
can you write it like that, or are there suggestions for improvement ;-) Is very important to me.
i looked into your eyes and felt you are the one,
I talked to you like to myself.
my heart will cry until i have won
let s not be on ourselves, lonely till we are gone.
destiny has brought our souls together
i promise you i will be there for you forever.
never thought it will happen to me
but it was so obvious to see!
seeing you first and i knew
there is only one right thing to do
to fight for you,
to wait for you,
to adore you.
things turned out to be great
lets live our fate.
it s like we know each other since thousand years
don t make us end up in tears.
not even rebirth can make me run away
don t make my soul feel gray.
wrikles don t make my love fade away
please share with me your way.
don t turn away for other guys
and lets live together our lives.
it's your decision that i wait
reply my love and make it heavy weight.
find out about your deepest feeling
and then tell me that you are not leaving.
for my sake don t play with me
and take all things i donate.
Shadowlight answered on 06/18/08 (8:18 pm):
Wow here hasn't been written for a long time ..
Your poems are great. I haven't read all of them, but they're good.
I am currently writing a book: Dreams (is written in German) English title- ist Cooler
(In case anyone else reads it.
Besides, I'm only a teenager 199 - who's reading this ...
at least that's where I came up with a few mini-lines of poetry.
And I wrote the synopsis in a poem, because unfortunately I don't have it at home but at school (where else ...). (I can't quite memorize)
1. Tackled into a notebook in English lessons ... I know - don't judge myself.
When you dream in the night
you go to another side
it makes you happy or just sad,
if the dream was good or bad.
2. A little depressed well ... but has nothing to do with me.
My dream would gone
because of one
a thing i like
it's just the dead
I'm dreaming of
because I'm sad
3. (Approximate content declaration poem)
She dreams of the love she found,
and she likes what he is about
A Vampire- she know he was
what really funny sound.
To Immortal love,
the storie is above,
but could they stand in war together?
Or will their love break soon?
Till the next FullMoon? I fust say whatever ...
Then read it yourself.
The shadow of light,
is the light in the night.
- that's why I'm called Shadowlight. Everything has different sides.
Is it true that this sentence has already been written by someone? I don't know ... only a friend claimed.
pueppi answered on 09.09.08 (15:35):
Here is my first attempt. I would be grateful for any suggestions for improvement.
To my companion
I never would have thought
That my heart beats so laughs
When I see you even think of you
Is it like a gift
That life made me
Quite surprisingly, but well considered
How can it be that we complement each other so
Even in small turbulences
That life gives us as a mission
To test ourselves in the difficult everyday life
All that was forgotten is forgotten
I know everything will be achievable with you
You go the same way as me
Fearless and not so afraid
Life is difficult and full of pitfalls
Nobody helps and built bridges for you
Again and again I made one
From stock and heavy stones
But I am not an architect
It collapsed was never correct
Because something was missing to support them
And protected me from falling
The perplexity is now over
Together we form the bridge mastery
A vast land opens up
And we go hand in hand
A nice feeling of security
What I never want to lose again.
George answered on 09/10/08 (16:15):
Please rate my poem
"The same should happen to you!"
have you suffocated too often!
Do you send now with a cold push
The greatest of all agony is going on!
What i felt
drifted so easily, carried you softly.
But the same is pulling me down now
I choke and the memory tears me down
The same should happen to you!
Words that were a destructive answer for me!
Go away, don't cross my path anymore
only those who walk without your chains can escape love murder!
Life will teach you
to ward off my gaze so hurtfully!
Go with God,
But let go of me
You selfish animal!
read answered on 03/14/10 (7:55 pm):
OK * smile