Do girls feel good during sex?
Sex out of politeness: 3 women tell their sex experience in which there was no consensus
Trigger warning: rape
Sex out of courtesy. While for many people all alarm bells are ringing red when this phenomenon occurs, others nod understandingly at me. Understanding because they have already had this experience themselves. Sex out of courtesy. It sounds so grotesque that it almost can't be true. But the reality is that to this day an incredible number of people - especially women - have the experience on a regular basis. Including me. When I told a group of six women at the table that I used to have a lot of sex out of politeness, everyone agreed with me. Full points! I was surprised how widespread it is. And shocked. Sex out of courtesy means that there is no consensus. The inner voice of the person concerned screams no, while the outer one says yes. We at amazed did a survey of our community and came to the same reason in all the conversations we had with different women. The women who endure sex put the needs of others above their own. It is more uncomfortable for them to disappoint their counterpart than to disappoint themselves. The polite restraint that has been trained from an early age goes so far. So much so that you have unintentional sex.
It's time to talk about it. So that those affected no longer feel abused, so that they are no longer pressured to have sex, so that consensus can finally emerge. The clear consent of all parties during sex. Inwardly and outwardly.
To do this, we wrote down the personal sex experience of three women who lacked consensus.
At the end of last year, I was registered on a dating platform, which of course was mostly about sex and dating. It's a huge community with forums and intensive exchange. There I talked to a man with whom I got along pretty well. He also asked about a meeting that I agreed to. But then he wanted to come right by. I was relatively uncomfortable, but allowed myself to be talked about and persuaded and then invited him to my home.
A few hours later he was there too. We sat down in my living room and had a nice chat, but I quickly noticed that he didn't match the impression I had of him at the beginning. I was pretty confused that he looked so different in real life. But he obviously thought I was pretty good. At this point, however, it felt like the moment was over for me when I could tell him: "Sorry, it would be better if you go now." In retrospect, I don't know why I didn't dare just say that. It was my realm, my comfort zone, my home. But I didn't send him home because I felt kind of bad. I thought to myself: Now he's already set out on himself, has come here, we've been talking for a long time now, he must have already raised his hopes. I put his needs above my needs. Letting his feelings down was worse for me at the moment than being honest.
“I put his needs above my needs. Letting his feelings down was worse for me at the moment than being honest. "
Then we had sex. That was just not good either. He was not empathetic, was not affectionate, was anxious for his own satisfaction, even became impudent. He even asked afterwards if I would be able to get an orgasm at all. Out of courtesy, I let the whole thing go through me. I wasn't afraid of him, I just didn't want to hurt feelings. No idea why. Then I kicked him out and went to sleep alone.
I slept with a lot of men out of 'courtesy'. After my last breakups, I went on a few dates, probably to prove to myself that I was still wanted. Because I am not unattractive and have an open and warm manner, I get along pretty well with men. I enjoy dating and flirting.
But when things get more serious, after a few glasses of wine you find yourself in a guy's apartment, or after a club night together in a taxi on the way to him, I never know how to pull the rip cord. I already know before I undressed that I don't want to sleep with him and then I do. Because I don't know how to say that I don't want to. Maybe because one of my beliefs is that I have to please everyone, never say "no" and that the wishes and needs of others take precedence over mine. Maybe because I think it's my fault that I sent the wrong signals and now have to go through with it. Maybe because I was abused as a child and I'm not that unfamiliar with being intimate with someone you don't want to be with.
“I already know before I undressed that I don't want to sleep with him and then I do. Because I don't know how to say that I don't want to. "
I'm afraid of rejection, but I'm also afraid of hurting others. Even during sex, I can never tell if I'm not enjoying it, fake orgasms so the guy can finish and pretend to really enjoy it. Even if it's superficially completely consensual sex. I never enjoy this polite sex, I am disappointed and disgusted with myself. I am ashamed of myself but know that it will happen again. I feel kind of abused, even though the guy can't even know that I didn't want to.
I never really answer such calls. But make an exception here because I may be able to save others from making the same mistake. I had a bumble date. It was my second online date in a long time. After my first Bumble date was so positive (even if there wasn't a second meeting), I thought that I just had to dare myself.
So I went on another date with a new person. After a walk in the park near my apartment, I invited my date - at a little insistence on my part - for a beer on my balcony. I quickly noticed that he was hoping for more from the date, so I made it clear from the start that sex was out of the question for me. He was still getting closer and closer to me and I said two more times that I didn't want to sleep with him. However, he did not give up and at some point I just got involved.
"It is always much more important to me that my counterpart feels comfortable than that I feel comfortable."
I didn't feel particularly well during that time, but the next day and weeks I felt really disgusted that I allowed this, as I never felt well. The bad thing is that even today I still think it's not his fault. Though he urged me to see what was wrong. In the end I accepted it without further objections. He didn't get violent or make me do anything. He probably didn't even notice how uncomfortable I was. It is always much more important to me that my counterpart feels good than that I feel good.
All names have been changed by us
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