Did you share your wife
What it's like to share your partner.
In the first part of our interview serieswe got to know the stories of the interviewees, and in connection there were, among other things, answers to the question of when the interviewees “clicked”.
How is it for you to share your partner?
I live with my husband, this is my second marriage, and my two children and also have an encounter - that's what I call it - with a man who wants to live alone and with whom I meet every now and then. It depends on the person it is about. When my husband meets with another woman, the ground I'm standing on shakes a little. But I'm not jealous in the sense that it just creates a certain insecurity in me. I think I would be very jealous of the other man. It always depends on what kind of relationship you have with the person.
The important thing is that when jealousy arises, you try to feel where it's coming from. Most of the time you don't want to get to the bottom of it because it's uncomfortable. Jealousy can arise for a variety of reasons. It helps to know why. Instead of just saying that you are jealous, you should rather get to the bottom of it and ask yourself what exactly it is for a feeling. It is important to always talk to your partner about it. Afterwards, you usually notice that the fears were unjustified.
Jealousy is irrational. Often one has fears of loss and it is difficult to act rationally because of these fears. Talking to your partner can take this fear away.
But, in my opinion, monogamy is a bigger danger because when you think someone is great, you immediately know that you have to break up in order to be able to do something with them. In my first marriage there was no question: I fell in love with another man so I had to move out.
I'm not jealous. I never was and never want to be. For me it is probably because I know myself how good it is for me to be able to live out my love in different ways. That's why I wish every person close to me to have this experience. I am always happy when a loved one falls in love with another and I find it exciting to observe other poly relationships. It is important to agree with your partners how much time you need and also have the courage to say "I need you now!" It is healthier to have the will and selfishness sometimes, even if you know that your partner is doing something with someone else.
What is also important when it comes to jealousy: It is helpful to get to know the meta, i.e. the partner of the partner. Jealousy can result from many irrational ideas. You might paint a perfect picture of the person who is taking your partner away from you. In the end, it's only one person and everyone has weaknesses and strengths. When you get to know the person, you usually also know why their partner fell in love with them. Your partner usually has a certain type of person he gets along with. He gets along with you so you can probably get along with the other person as well.
It is also important to make yourself aware that you are currently jealous. And then you should ask yourself if you want to be jealous at all. Many claim that if your partner is not jealous, then they are not loving you enough. That's a statement that I think is terrific bullshit and also toxic to any relationship. The one has nothing to do with the other.
One should ask oneself whether the fears are somehow well founded. What you think is also your partner's business. One can wait and hope that the fear will pass or you can actively do something about it. In retrospect, you know that you always had a negative reaction to things for which there was no reason at all. You should remember this knowledge for the next situation.
Concerning the fear of being abandoned: every relationship is absolutely unique. The likelihood that your partner will leave you because the other person is better than you is very, very small. If so, then you find someone who is different. You are not abandoned because of someone else, only because of your own relationship problems.
I can say of myself that in some situations I am jealous, sometimes even morbid. But that has nothing to do with the respective partner. Rather, the thought comes to me that I didn't deserve all of this and that sooner or later something negative has to happen. I can feel the jealousy, I know it's there, but I don't try to act on it because it usually passes quickly. I currently only share my partners on a one-night level and that's really no problem for me. On a physical level I am very relaxed and say: “Have fun! Send me a video! " - small joke. When it gets emotional, I already know that I have to work on my thoughts. I sometimes fear that my partner is going to meet a super awesome monogamous woman and the desire for monogamy will be too seductive And he'd rather leave me If there was another relationship between my partners, it would also be very important that I like my meta, i.e. the new person. I would want to get to know her right away, preferably as early as possible. If my partners fall in love with someone else, they are sure to be very cool too.
I have no problem with my partner having someone else. I've always been very stress-free there. Sharing sounds like owning and Love, in my opinion, has nothing to do with possessions. Sharing and jealousy go hand in hand, because I used to think, when I was monogamous, that it was MY girlfriend. It belongs to me and nobody is allowed to touch it and Back then I was very jealous, which wasn't good for me. The more I understood that this person does not belong to me, but gives me their time and voluntarily wants to spend their time with me, the less jealous I was. Which unfortunately did not protect me from being betrayed. The jealousy was no longer so blatant, because it was clear to me: If my girlfriend wants to have sex with another person, then I can be jealous or not - she still wants it. The jealousy doesn't go away just because I feel like shit all the time. When I'm jealous when she only wants to have sex with me, I feel bad too. And what for? Cheating is very difficult in a polyamorous relationship because you always communicate openly. When you talk about it, it's not cheating, it's an agreement that everyone agrees to. If you don't talk about it, you haven't understood the point of an honest relationship. Because of the open conversation, there is no jealousy and precisely because there is no jealousy, I also think it's nice when my partner finds happiness outside of our relationship. A relationship, no matter how it is designed, is always something that should make life better. At best, I'm not dependent on it, but it's something that makes my life more beautiful. What could I want more: People I love have great free lives, just like me? Perfect.
When I find myself getting jealous because my girlfriend meets someone else, I am afraid that I will lose something that is not mine. The subject of jealousy has been very strong to do with our current society, which owns almost everything. You're afraid you're worth less because you're no longer the only one in the relationship. When you are at peace with yourself and you have come to the point where you can live alone and love yourself, then you have no problems with jealousy.
I can deal with jealousy better now than I used to, but I'm still very dependent on whether I like the person doing something with my partner. I would like to see a polyamorous relationship as an extended family and imagine a bright future. I would mind if I didn't like my partner's partners.
I believe that love is infinite, but unfortunately time is not infinite. If you are in the situation that you do not have a good relationship with your meta partner, this can lead to more complications. You and your meta have an important date or both are having a bad time and your partner is not with you, but with the other. Or you just want to go on vacation with your partner and the meta too, or you both have a graduation party at the same time - These can be really tough moments when you feel like your partner isn't making up her mind right now. Not against you but not for you either. And in this case, not for you, because of someone you are currently negative about. It was hard work for me to deal with this division of timen, when it didn't work out with my meta. I learned not to spread bad energy with it or even to exchange it for disloyalty.
I have no problem with my partner having multiple relationships because I take that as natural.
Jealousy is a natural feeling that doesn't come without a reason. Mostly there are internal reasons that have to be dealt with. Polyamory is a path that takes you through jealousy and beyond. It's surprising how deep these fears can run. Dealing with jealousy can be a way to heal the underlying causes of those fears, which is really, very good.
I don't think polyamory is for everyone, because some people just because of their nature are better off only living with a steady partner. I also had my personal struggle with jealousy, But I got to the bottom of it and today I can no longer feel it. Of course, I am constantly confronted with situations in which I would like my partner to be with me now and not with someone else. But then I think about what a wonderful time they will have and then I am happy for her and that is what love is all about for me.
I find it too possessive and reproachful to say that you share your partner. I don't share my partner because I don't share my friends either. Why should it be something different on the level of love and relationship than between friends? When it comes to jealousy, I still don't know exactly how jealous I am or not. If my partner would kiss someone in front of my eyes, I currently cannot say how I would react because I have not yet experienced the situation like this. But I don't immediately say that I'm jealous just because I don't know a situation or a feeling. You can take advantage of jealousy and wonder why you are feeling this way right now.
For me, the feeling of jealousy is like a fork in the road: Either I'll run into the abyss and feel shit and jealous or I run in the direction of happiness and well-being and deal with myself. I try to be at peace with myself and talk about my problems. Jealousy is an uncomfortable feeling and mostly means that some need has not been met by me. It doesn't mean it's the other person's fault. It's up to myself and I have to deal with myself, pay attention to my needs and see how I can solve the problems with this negative feeling.
I've been asked many times how I manage to share my partner. If I'm being honest, I often couldn't do anything with the question and didn't have an answer to it. In the meantime i would say that it is not a problem for me because he does not belong to me and he can do what he wants. For me it is important to be in a relationship Agreements and honesty comes first, because then you know and can process and tick everything off. I'm more jealous of time than people. For example, if he invests a lot of time and work in things that I cannot understand, then I feel more likely to have been betrayed. If I do get jealous of someone then it has mainly to do with bad experiences and is a problem of mine. Most of the time there is no reason for this jealousy. I look for the trigger and also tell my partner what I am feeling. I tell him I'm jealous, but I'm happy for him and I can handle the situation. It's all about trusting the relationship itself and in my partner, so why should I be jealous? I have nothing to lose if everything is right.
Photo credit: Mr.Chris
What would you like to give people on their way?
If you decide to live polyamorously, you choose also for many strenuous thingsthat make life harder.
The first exhausting part is that the polyamorous relationship is usually not taken seriously by anyone, unless you have had this relationship for a very long time. A relationship with twice as many people is often only worth half as much in society. I often have to hear from people who speak to me that they have a right to a relationship or even something physical with me, because as a polyamorous person I take everyone anyway. Actually, in a relationship with more than one person, there is a superlative of being forgiven. “Most forgiven!” I think it's a shame that people don't respect having a full-fledged relationship with several people. It is terrible that everyone thinks to me, no matter what situation they come from, that they have a right to me.
Another reason why the polyamorous way of life is exhausting is because of the regulatory issues in life. It is not easy to get a loan on a house or to get all the rights for your own children.
BUT: The advantages of the polyamorous way of life outweigh. I come home every day, to a nest that is full of warmth and there are two people who are genuinely interested in me and who can endure all my psychological peculiarities and this twice, so to speak. I get so much attention that I feel like I'm catching up on my childhood residue.
In a three-way relationship, you have six hands that work and three heads that can think. Two can always support the third. In such a relationship that I currently have, life can no longer put anything in my way that I could no longer manage. There is one new life energy to get up every day and swim against the current again, also justify himself for his way of life. I really enjoy explaining my way of life and polyamory to people. I love that look on their faces: “There is a lot more behind the horizon than I thought”. And that's why it's worth taking all the negative sides on yourself. You get an intense and comfortable feeling in life for it. It is indescribable.
Partnerships are one of the few areas in life that you can determine yourself. It's important to try things out. One can be the creator of one's relationships. Love belongs to you, so you shouldn't let any liberties be taken from you.
A relationship with one person is exhausting and every relationship requires work. Multiple relationships therefore need even more work. And if you get the idea of wanting to go down to two, three or four relationships, you can also load yourself with an infinite amount of work. But it is one thing that is worthwhile. To be able to live everything out how you want and to know that there are no limits to set yourself is wonderful. I don't have to stick to social norms. I should obey the law, but I can do the rest myself and I just have to do what is important to me. That is a thought I wish everyone - regardless of whether they are polyamorous or not. Think about the limits you want to set for yourself in your life. There is no limit to loving just one person with polyamory. You only set your limits yourself through your own rules. Be open to new ideas. You can always say at the end of the idea that it was a stupid idea.
One should also talk to people about love and relationships. Even if you are only a little interested in polyamory - come to the regulars' table. The purpose of the regulars' table is the exchange between people on the subject of love and polyamory. Of course, you can also ask questions in the Facebook group.
You will always get blown in the face in polyamorous relationships, but that's okay and normal, because that happens in every area of life and also in monogamous relationships. You should learn from it and develop yourself further.
Question everything. Ask yourself what makes you happy and live it. It is important to always find your way back to yourself and take care of yourself. One should always look to oneself to take responsibility for one's well-being. Therefore you should always give your partner the chance to decide everything for yourself.
Polyamory doesn't mean group sex! I'm sorry for saying that now, but many think just because you're poly can you screw your way through world history. Poly can mean that I sleep with several people, even at the same time, but that's not the point of polyamory. It's about loving several people and not about always being able to have as much sex with everyone as you want.
I would advise trying out polyamory. With openness and reflection. And humility and fun.
The way of life is never straightforward and there are many ways. Each path in itself is fine and offers opportunities. Everyone should choose the path that is good for them and everyone should be able to live in a way that is beneficial and comfortable for them.
Be more honest and open with your loved ones and worry not only about others, but about yourself. Always ask yourself these questions: How am I? How do I feel about the situation? What can I do to make me feel good? Do yourself with yourself.
Do not be ashamed of what you are feeling because you are never alone with your thoughts. Even if the people around you think differently and you may feel alone with the topic. You're not alone. Have a look on the internet or at the regulars' table here in Freiburg. Go out and meet people.
So what is it like to share your partner? The interviewees do not see it as “sharing” because sharing has something to do with possessions - which in turn is not related to love.
The time has come: We have come to the end of our series of interviews. We warmly recommend the first two parts!
We thank you again for this enormous openness and would like to go back to theStammtisch Freiburg on Facebook to draw attention. Once a month people meet here who want to exchange ideas about polyamory and other important topics of love. Have a look if you are interested, because every conversation is valuable and broadens your horizons.
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